OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
