For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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