I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
