I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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