They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
