At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
