Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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