i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
