I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce