I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
false alarm, still single
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
