when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
