apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize