why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i think im in europe. pls send help
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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