I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
