ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
