I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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