so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
