May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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