super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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