Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize