I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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