This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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