Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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