The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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