I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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