at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
