Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
