If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
