Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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