DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
