The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
