in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
