Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
