batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
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Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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