I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
