I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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