How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
