i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
