walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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