why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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