discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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