I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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