Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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