no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
