he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
