I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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