i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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