Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
