also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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