Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
