Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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