True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
