Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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