I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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