I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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